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Juggernauts Unlimited: JUGGERNAUTS HEADED TO WORLD 3 ON 3 CHAMPIONSHIP IN DISNEYWORLD!!! Classic Jugg Articles
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JUGGS ROLL TO DISNEYWORLD OR BUST!
On a sweltering 90 degree Saturday in the Windsor Square Shopping Center Parking Lot, home of the dollar movie, the Juggernauts steamrolled through the 12 team field, stormed into the championship game and qualified for the USSSA 3 on 3 Basketball World Championships to be held Jan. 14-15, Martin Luther King, Jr. weekend, in Orlando, Florida at Disney’s Wide World of Sports Complex. Playing September 11, 2004, the 5 man roster consisted of Cap’n Jim Johnson; long time Jugg nemesis and occasional ally Carl “Karl the Mercenary” Lansden; the uber athletic Dirk Morris; the big man from three land, Greg Dodge; and the 24 year old spitfire Ryan Heatherly.
The Juggs played in the Adult Competitive Over 6 foot Open division. Originally entered in the 30 and over division, without enough elderly opposition the Juggs ended up schooling some whipper snappers. Ballers of all ages were humbled as the Juggs sliced through the competition in the first two games against “Ballin’ Off the Edge” and “Knoxville Legends” like the other teams were not even there.
The Juggs first real test came against “Old School,” a team of beefed up bruisers reminiscent of the playing style of the Juggs from the days of yore. Prior to the game, Cap’n Jim realized the neo-traditional Juggernaut dazzle cloth, wide shouldered, black jerseys with white lettering might lead to heat stroke in the noon day sun. With 10 white men in white shirts someone had to play in the raw. Old School won the coin toss but opted to keep their shirts on to hide their floppy man breasts and gave the Juggs possession of the ball. Dirk started the game with 3 straight points, but the lucky Old Schoolers answered with 3 banked 2 pointers. Buckets in this game inside the arc are worth 1 point. Behind the arc is worth 2 points. Hampered by a twisted rim and a downward sloping court the Juggs sharpshooters could not find the mark and lost 16-20.
After a quick lunch of potato skins, tortilla chips and college football at Bailey’s Sports Bar the Juggs were reenergized for the second tournament of the day. With a 2-1 record the Juggs entered the bracket as the #2 seed from Pool #3. The #4 seed from Pool 2, “Liquid” was quickly consumed by the thirsty Juggs. Now the Juggs were ready for some real competition from Pool 1 Seed 2, “The Wazty Boys,” consisting of three young black men led by the 6’3” bald pated, Marshall.
Oh, crap. Dirk must leave to meet his parents who have driven in from Ohio to visit Dirk’s 2 lovely young girls. Carl is called away to attend to his construction empire. The Juggs would have to play iron man ball from here on out without their two most athletic teammates.
The Wazty Boys wasted no time in building a 7 point lead by hitting their first 5 shots. Hope of a Jugg trip to the Magic Kingdom was wafting away like fairy dust in the wind. Jim drove to the bucket to get the Juggs on the board at 7-1. Realizing they were physically outmatched, with a premium placed on long ball, the Juggs let the rock fly. Greg led the charge with a couple of 2 pointers from the short side of the court. The right side on the court was about 19 feet from the basket, the left side was about 21. The Juggs’ shots that banged off the back of the rim against Old School were just perfect for Court #4’s uphill grade. The Juggs built the lead to 17-11 on multiple 2 pointers from Ryan, Greg and Jim. At that point Marshall committed his final foul on the Cap’n and was sent to the bench. The Jugg’s momentary confusion on how to capitalize on the 3 man to 2 advantage got the Wazty Boys back in it on 2 pointers. The Juggs took a breath, isolated Jim for a short jumper and won 20-17.
High from their quarterfinal win still 2 teammates down, the Cap’n, Greg and Ryan now faced the top seed from Pool 2, “The Ball Pounders,” five athletic 20 something white guys with someone’s Dad acting as coach. The Ball Pounders were slicing through the Juggs hot butter defense showcasing their athletic prowess. The Juggs couldn’t give a crap because they were trading 1 pointers for 2 pointers. Greg and Ryan hit the 2’s while the Cap’n was fouled on 2 consecutive 2 pointers and capitalized on 3 of 4 freethrows. Greg was a round mound of rebound as he hustled to corral every errant shot. Ryan and the Cap’n used some fancy footwork and fakes inside to hit some hooks and loopers for 1s. The Juggs built a 12-4 lead in a matter of minutes. The Pounders got wise and the Juggs went cold. The Pounders scored the next 7. The Cap’n grabbed a rebound, retreated to the deep corner for a 2 pointer that made it 14-11. The Pounders responded with a flurry of 2’s to take a 17-16 advantage. The taller Pounders had begun using their long reach to thwart the deep ball. Greg had the range to simply shoot from 5 feet further back. The Cap’n with limited range and a 6’5” guy in his face had to come up with a different plan. The Cap’n implemented the rainbow shot from the top of the key to regain the lead at 18-17. The Cap’n tried to take the big man low, but could not get a shot off. Greg had a defender in his jock. Realizing that Ryan had young legs and a mismatch, the remaining Juggs backed off and let him charge the bucket for the last two points which came from a freethrow and a banked runner in the lane. Shooting without a conscience, a la Jack Seal and Lane Moore, the Juggs advanced to the Finals, but at a price.
Late in the Semifinal win, Greg suffered a blow to his shooting arm which was later diagnosed as a partially torn rotator cuff. Greg attempted a couple of shots in the Final, but could not find the mark on the down sloping court. Luckily for the Juggs, Dirk shirked his familial duties and rejoined the Juggs in the Championship against Cashville who had beaten Old School in the semifinals. Jim and Ryan managed some layups, but were mostly ineffective from outside. The Juggs were down early to the sharpshooting Cashville, who was composed of a mixture of ages and races. The only effective play for the Juggs was to get it to Dirk for the 2 shot, where he was repeatedly fouled. The Juggs were down 16-6 but pulled to within 17-11 before bowing out at 20-12 on a monster, hang on the rim, rip your shirt off, hollering, act like a fool dunk from a 6’5” young black man who had not made a shot all game.
Attending the games were Greg’s lovely wife (who made the pivotal Gatorade run) and daughter, Michelle, and the first family of Juggdom, Kristie and Isabella Skye.
The top 4 teams qualified for Disneyworld. I have some vacation coming, so I, Cap’n Jim, am going to Disneyworld to represent in my neo-traditional Juggernaut dazzle cloth, wide shouldered, black jersey with white lettering. After some physical therapy, I hope Greg can join me. Ryan, Carl and Dirk, you’re invited too. If any of these fine young men decline, I will be looking for others to fill out the roster at the Magical Realm. Hey, Greg, see what Eddie is doing. Eric the Aryan, Big Jack Seal, what are you doing on MLK weekend? Chris Burks and cousin T where are you brothers hiding? Matt, Lance, anybody? ROLL JUGGS! DISNEYWORLD OR BUST!!!
P.S. A shout out to fallen comrade Steve Madix who was scheduled to play with us until twisting his ankle in pivotal Game 7 at the church on Wednesday night.
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JUGG FANS FOR 2002 TOURNAMENT. Ain't no fan like a Jugg Fan. From L to R: Dan "Superfan" Korth, Bill Langford, David "Navy Man" Arning, Myriah Cain (w/ Sophie well hidden), Jason "Too" Long and Tonya Willis.
TOP JUGGERNAUT MOMENTS IN GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP (1993 – 2003)
1. Rob Meier starts a tradition by getting tossed from a football game for twice commenting on the “sh*tty call”. (1993)
2. Eric getting everyone thrown out of football tournament. After Kennedy and Brooks were ejected, Eric said to the referee, “Why don’t you throw us all F’n out?” With a toss of the hat, he did. Preceded by Don Clardy high stepping into the endzone for the halftime lead and five consecutive unnecessary roughness penalties on the ½ yard line in a vain attempt to stop the SPE’s from scoring the go-ahead touchdown. (1994)
3. David Kennedy likening the Female Referee to a part of the female anatomy. (1994)
4. MSJ wins a game by starting a fight. Lee started the altercation with the other team by leg wrestling a player, Kennedy finished it by slamming a player into the wall. Game was called. Juggs had the lead and took the victory. (1994 or 1996?)
5. Jimmy Holbrook’s staightleg foot to the chest. (1994)
6. Jim with double ax handle to the neck and back of Lang Wiseman’s brother (played for UT’s Lakers as he was a track athlete) after Mr. Wiseman laid into Eric with a deliberate shoulder. (1994)
7. The MSJ’s confrontation with the BSU (Baptist Student Union). The BSU asked the MSJ to pray together after the game. (1994)
8. Ryan Kurtz arguing a “hypothetical call” against Knox Sox in football. (1994)
9. John Grigsby putting a curse on Jim for not playing him in the second half of a game. (1994)
10. Eric’s embarrassing, “You shut up!” “No, you shut up!” argument. (1995)
11. 1995 tournament in which Juggs were down 4, Jack blew a bunny layup, yelled at the ref, got a tech and automatic 2 pts to the opponent.; Kennedy yelled at ref for teching Jack, got a tech and automatic 2 points; J. W. Colonels got the ball and hit a three to put the Juggs down by 11 and out instead of down by 2.
12. Jimmy Holbrook’s clothesline. (1996)
13. Julie Murphy crippling a girl. (1996)
14. Jim getting into an altercation with UT lineman Jeff Coleman who was teaming with Al Wilson and other UT lineman at the time in a pickup game. (1996)
15. Jimmy Holbrook laying Jim out on the pavement in a pick up game. (1996)
16. Karl the Mercenary informing Jack Seal who his daddy was. (1996)
17. Kristie purposely whacking Jim in the nose and hitting a hookshot to win a game of 21 against Jim and Trippe. (1996)
18. Lee commenting on how the MSJ planned to handle the other team before the game, “We’re going to burn their houses and cut their tendons and sh*t.” (1996)
19. Jim benching Jack Seal in the second half of a game against the Circus Midgets so Jim could take the scoring title. (1996)
****1997-1998**** Juggs did not play. Juggs reborn in Chattanooga in 1999.
20. Brother Jack Johnson restraining player trying to swing at Jim. (Chatt.) (1999)
21. Stacey (in Chatt.) undercutting the other team’s center as the Juggs were losing 105-30 and the other team kept up a full court press. (1999)
22. Chattanooga greats Robert, Chris and Adam gorilla slamming on the competition just because they could. (1999 – 2000). (Never had that problem with the Knoxville Juggs)
23. Jim baiting “Gold Tooth” (large, muscular man with gold tooth) into swinging at him. (Chatt.) (2000)
24. Jim, Kristie and Jim’s dad, L.B. (age 59), getting into an altercation in a Nashville 3-on-3 which took 3 refs (including the head official) and 2 policemen to finish the game. Opponent’s exchange with L.B., “Watch it old man.” L.B., “This old man’s about to kick your ass.” Kristie to opponent’s girlfriend on the sideline, “You want some too?” (2000)
25. Matt Kubic’s comment to the black female referee while playing against an all black team, “Just because I’m white, doesn’t mean it wasn’t a foul.” (drawing a technical and almost a bitch slap from the ref.) (The irony, half our team was also black). (Matt was a Baylor graduate along with Lee Bright.) (Chatt.) (2000)
26. Brother Jack “choking out” a guy at a church pick up game. Yes, he actually choked an opposing player into submission. We’re not sure if it was a police chokehold or a military chokehold. Lidell Kirk will give a full report. (2000)
27. Adam gets in a fight with a team of Australians in the $500 Hardwood Havoc tourney. (Also on that day Adam kicked Kristie in the head while trying to dunk over three people in the dunk contest. To Adam’s credit he once dunked a ball after leaping over the hood of a BMW roadster. Don, Chattanooga’s answer to the Mercenary, won the tourney with an amazing barrage of 3 pointers to wipe out a huge deficit in the championship game. Juggs finished 3rd (Jim, Chris, Adam, T. and Kristie.)) (2000)
28. Jim accosting a midget by grabbing him around the throat in the last 5 seconds as the midget’s team had 12 players to the Juggs 4 and continued to full court press. (2001)
29. Lumps taken by Chris Cain as he kept his cool in the first round of the 2002 playoffs and told the opponents they would be watching the rest of this one at home. (However Cain averaged 0.5 technicals a game that year rivaling the best years of Nic, Kennedy and Jay Johnson. Mr. Cain is also ranked #1 in smack talk). (2002)
30. Jim getting tossed for 4 games for an altercation with former Vol and Houston Rocket draftee, Fred Jenkins. Tossed by the Knoxville City Parks and Rec. Dept. The irony, Jim is the attorney for the Knoxville Parks and Rec. Dept. Jim also had invited players from his church and a co-worker’s husband to help him fill out the roster that night. (2003)
31. John Willis, “Do you want to play, or do you want to go (outside)?” (2003)
32. Nic, “F. U.! Mother F’r!” (drawing a technical). (2003)
33. Sir Chargealot, John Dreiser, leads with the shoulder and charges everytime he touches the ball. (2003)
34. Chris Cain’s taunting (“You have no game!”) and incessant laughing at the opponents as they advised him to have another beer. (2003)
Continuing Affronts to Humanity
35. Running commentary by Coach Keith Hatfield. (1994 – present)
37. Rob Laird’s mere existence. (1969 – present)
38. Jim’s ranting and cursing everytime the Juggs lose their last game of the season. (1993 – present)
39. Dreiser gets tech for calling a guy a "fat bastard" and chest bumping him. (2004)
40. Chris Cain gets 2 techs and a 4 game suspension for taunting "Stinky." (2004)
41. Juggs win despite 30 point deficit in last 2:00 minutes when Cap'n Jim draws the Kings into their 3rd technical by suckering #40 into a double technical on a blind pick. (2004)
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"SJ: 2005: Ain't No Jive!" Juggs: The Family Friendly edition. Pictured top l to r: Kevin Riordon, Norman McKeller, Cap'n, Isabella Johnson, Chris Cain, Sophie Cain, Myriah Cain, Blue Cain, John Dreiser. Front l to r: Jodi Roskind, Lily Roskind, Andy Roskind, Krisite Johnson with Alana Johnson hidden in her tummy. CLASSIC JUGG ARTICLE:
OLD SCHOOL IS IN SESSION. Jim Johnson, Kristie Smith (Jim's woman), & Hardwood legend L.B. Johnson (Jim's father) took their mad 3-on-3 skills to compete in the Nashville Roundball Ruckus, July 29, 2000.
The Juggs were only 1-3 on the day, but their play far exceeded their record. The first game the Juggs were warming up and the last they were cooling down. The two middle games were battles of Epic proportions. In Game 2, L. B. drained two 3-pointers (baskets were worth 2 & 1), matched by Kristie, & Jim put on a clinic in the paint with an aray of hookshots & and spinning post moves. Their opponents forced overtime after sinking a couple of lucky shots. Then the stars aligned and Jim banked in the winning 3-pointer from the top of the key for the 16-14 OT win.
The 3rd game was the setting for "The Altercation." About 5 minutes into the game, Mr. Chrome Dome Sassy Mouth Point Guard decided to give Kristie the business. While Kristie was moving without the ball, Mr. A-Hole set up and delivered a double forearm shot to her chest. Kristie landed on her keister but popped up with quickness that would make a "Weeble" proud and delivered a retalitory shove. Jim was incensed by Mr. A-Hole's blatant disregard for the rules and quickly and graphically informed him what would happen if he persisted in such shenanigans. Mr. A-Hole's girlfriend expressed her opinion from the sideline, and Kristie issued her a challenge which she did not accept. Responding to derogatory comments about "The Old Man," L. B. informed the competition that he was not too old to kick their scrawny butts.
After a ten minute interruption, the escalating fray was averted and the game continued under the supervison of 2 referees (instead of the normal one) & two police officers. Jim continued his dominance of the post, Kristie busted two 3-pointers late, and L. B. netted a 3-point Sky Hook from the corner & later iced two free throws after being fouled when trying to repeat the feat. The Juggs led 16-12, but went into OT 17-17 due to tentative defense caused by Kristie & Jim being one foul away from ejection. Their opponents' big man fouled out, but they were able to bring in a sub. Alas, the Juggs lost 17-19 in OT; but, like Game 6 of the Reds/Red Sox World Series the glory was not in the win, but in playing the game itself.
In all, these Juggs, (who did not play against anyone over 23 years old all day), the 29 year old junk shot artist, the only woman with the basketballs big enough to enter the men's league, & the tour's senior player who was born during the throes of WWII, earned the respect & admiration of dozens of newly professed Juggamanics by their heroic endeavors. Stay tuned, True Believer, these Juggs are steamrolling to a court near you.
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